Crack Cocaine Mix Tape

My mind is a crazy, scary place. Random thoughts pinging around, jumping from subject to subject, like a mix tape made by a drunk friend or someone on crack cocaine. Then suddenly the track gets stuck, and the thoughts come in a flood on a certain subject. The same rapid-fire thought process, but all centered around the same subject. My obsessive, pinging mind makes me a highly anxious person, prone to depressive episodes, high strung, and a real treat to be friends with or (especially) married to. Oh I’m sorry husband, you didn’t catch the first half of that conversation? The one I have been having with myself for the last 20 minutes? Or, hey friend, want to listen to me talk obsessively about infant sleep through our coffee date? You mean it’s already been an hour and I haven’t asked about your life even once?

The thing about this type of mind is that it is a double edged sword. Both my greatest blessing and my biggest curse. I am incredibly productive and innovative, but can be self centered and absent. I make goals for myself yearly, monthly, and weekly, and on every single one of those lists I write ‘be present.’ See, when your mind is constantly 5 steps ahead or busy obsessing, you miss stuff. You miss entire conversations, days, special moments. The goals help with the pinging but can exacerbate the obsessing if I’m not careful.

Quiet time is difficult for me, as being alone with my thoughts can be dangerous. That’s when the obsessing and the pinging can easily trigger anxiety. Because of this, I always had to run with music or with a friend. The problem with this was that I had it in my mind that ‘real runners’ didn’t run with music. That once you were a runner a switch flipped, and you were able to run for miles and miles and miles in silence. Don’t ask me where this idea came from, because duh, I already told you my mind is crazy.

Ironically, a few years ago a switch did flip, so maybe I was right after all. I think it actually has much more to do with the state of my mental health than becoming a ‘real’ runner. But I still like to think that my ability to run for miles in silence makes me more legit. These days I’m a lot better at handling my crazy mind. I know how it works a little better, and I understand it more and more every day. I know the things that help and the things that make it worse. I still struggle with too much alone time, and probably always will. Or, maybe someday a switch will flip, and I’ll become a ‘real’ human being.

Cara

Today’s Workout: Hiking w/ a friend & a TIU ab workout

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